A wavy line in the sand, but a line none the less.
I don’t know Dan over at Beyond the Blue Fog Bank , but I was excited to come across this post last night after I posted about the most important boundary I set for myself during my husband’s early recovery.
I only took the quote and “Today’s Reminder” from him, but you can read his “Alleged Insight” over there (Hi Dan! Thanks!)
ODAT- Day 13 – January 13, 2013 – Hold Fast
Quoted from Page #13 in One Day At A Time (the little blue book)
When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholic’s behaviour to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair. Have I perhaps accepted it because I have a subconscious desire for martyrdom? Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others?
Today’s Reminder
I have a right to reel myself from any situation that interferes with my having a decent life and pleasant experiences. Every human being is entitled to live without fear, uncertainty, discomfort. I should take a firm stand and hold fast to whatever decision I make, to help not only myself and my family, but the suffering alcoholic as well. Constant wavering can only hinder me from breaking out of my present thinking pattern.
I love this passage!
I have spoken with too many people with family members who are addicts that pretty much refuse to give themselves permission to take care of themselves. It may be a symptom of early recovery and residential rehab folks, since many of us are new to this entire experience. Although, I have met some repeaters and they don’t take care of themselves, either. Hmmmm. I don’t know…I haven’t broadened my circle far and wide (yet) but it seems to be a super common issue.
I love me as much as I love my husband. I value my health and well-being as much as I value my husband’s. Pretty much the only people who can claim more from me than me are my kiddos, and that’s because they can’t really take care of themselves yet.
Boundaries and self-respect is are important and I try to teach those principals to my kids. With my oldest I have to continually reinforce the idea that if she doesn’t want to do something, SHE CAN SAY NO. She doesn’t have to explain herself or offer excuses. Heck, she doesn’t even have to apologize, really. She can Just. Say. No.
Unless it’s something like cleaning her room hahahaa I’m not talking about basic responsibilities and chores; I’m speaking of being pulled by friends, family members, and others past her comfort zone, and not wanting her to be emotionally bullied into doing something she really doesn’t want to do.
Anyway…I only have a passing familiarity to the little blue book since I am so new to this, but I love, love, love that there is a reminder in there to family that they have a RIGHT to hold fast to their boundaries. I wish more people would learn this, or remember this, or believe this. Addicts can’t take everything from us just because we love them. That’s not even love; that’s taking advantage, which is the opposite of love.
Hold fast. Be firm. Be strong. Love yourself and then your addict. It doesn’t make you mean, or a crazy capital B. It makes you kind and wise and someone who truly cares.
Nobody else should get to determine your emotional well-being. No guilt trips, no mind control, no manipulation. It’s NOT ok.
If you’re fairly certain those ARE the droids you are looking for, check it out again. Go with your gut. Not everybody uses the force for good.
I couldn’t resist. Star Wars and healthy boundaries are two of my favorite things 🙂
(Thanks again, Dan!)
An Atheist and an Addict 